Throwing a funeral is not all that difficult

I went to what could only be referred to as a "Hollywood" funeral this past weekend. Mother was having an argument with Mr. Benchley and Drambuie that was dragging on way too long, so at the last minute I decided to go with Aunt Gonxha, who was already going anyway. It was a "lively" affair. It began with the departed's dear friend, The Chairman of the Board, serenading him:Culturally, spiritually and entertainment-wise, it went downhill from there. Gonxha and I want to remind you of some basic do's and don'ts for memorial services:

* Location, location, location. In this case, A+. Show up early if you want to be inside (and hear anything). People get famously sunburned at these things, hat/sunglasses and sunscreen are a must. To 150 men I saw: I know you're old, but have you never heard of moisturizer?

* Take Control of Who Will Speak. Let's just say, this didn't go so hot.

* Sixty to Ninety Minutes is optimal. More than that is, pardon the expression, death.

* He's Dead, Let Him Hear Some Pretty and Hopeful Music Referencing God:
(another version of "my way" for someone Christ-oriented)


* Put Gonxha on the aisle, she knows more (old) people than you do. She will push you out of the way should be you be sitting in her seat.

* First, and foremost, show respect for all people in the room, especially the young. Impressions made in these rooms last a lifetime. This man's family deserved much better, it seems like they lost so much already.